Category: Story

Fattest Bluesman?

Discover what happened in 1964 when Reggie Bender and Keith Richards couldn't agree on who the fattest bluesman was.

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Top Secret Government Video

“THE STRANGER” knocked on my door at 2 a.m. He told me his Earth name was Von Thorpe; claimed he was from Venus and he had been working with our Top Secret US Government since the President Eisenhower administration. An alien dressed as a human: his skin was whiter than white, almost translucent. He had no eyebrows, no eyelashes, dressed in black: black hat, black eyeglasses, and black trench coat. But he did not seem to belong to the intimidating, notorious US Government “Men In Black.” I invited Von Thorpe inside, but he simply handed me a tightly sealed manila envelope. He told me it contained a secret Government videotape that he wanted me to expose to the whole world. I took the envelope; he left without saying goodbye.

One of the Most ROMANTIC SONGS OF ALL TIME

The evening of December 1st, 2015, I was dinning out with my ex-wife. We divorced in 1984, but I had since been missing the last 29 years (kidnapped by The US Military). My wife, Lyndsey, and I still had a few logistics to go over post-divorce. Lyndsey still needed me to sign some documents, and some legal papers about my royalties, etc. She made reservations to meet in a public place, in case I had one of my episodes (otherwise known as “psychotic break”). We met for dinner at “La Sirene”, a very fancy French restaurant in NYC. I signed all the documents she needed me to sign, and then we ordered dinner. As our dinner was served at our table, a song came over the French restaurant’s speaker. The song transcended me beyond my Fennel and Orange Salad with Lemon-Ginger Vinaigrette. I couldn’t even let go of my salad fork: this song transfixed me.

My Tea Is Cold

“My Tea Is Cold” (released 1965), written by me and performed with my band, THE GIDDY STATUES, was the first song that charted in the U.K., #17. I wrote the song based on a true-life incident that ruined my day. The experience took place in an East End London diner. The apathetic waitress served me my cuppa hot tea, sauntered away towards the swinging double-kitchen doors, and continued flirting with the busboy. I stared at my cuppa “hot” tea. Oh! The anticipation of that first glorious sip! I took my first sip and to my shock: “cold cup of tea” syndrome. “Sod it!” I screamed. “My tea is bloody cold!” I have never gotten over this incident and, since I’m now learning Social Media for music, recently made a short video of this experience.

ROCK STARS Do The DUMBEST THINGS

After a show in San Antonio, Texas, an intoxicated BON SCOTT (lead singer: AC/DC) proved what kind of a man he was by drinking a whole bottle of “liquor” in one gulp. Unfortunately, the bottle he downed was a bottle of aftershave. GREG ALLMAN married Cher. Cher broke up with the Allman brother after Greg passed out face first into a plate of spaghetti at an Italian restaurant. In 1986, BJORK smashed the windows of a Reykjavik disco “because it was full of boring people.”

God’s Final Message To His Creation

I had been on the Alien Humanoid Bug People’s planet, Kakrafoon, for 2 weeks. The expected me to feel exhilarated after my battle with “The Great Exterminator” I was considered a galactic hero. I had saved my planet Earth and the entire Universe. However, they sensed my dark depression, my feeling of hopeless, my bleak despondency, and my craving a proper cupppa tea. “Why the bloody hell do we need to have the organic life-form experience? We’re all going to die anyway. Can’t we skip the part of being forced to be born, living on some planet to experience tragedy, poverty, aggravation, and The IRS?”

My Battle with “THE GREAT EXTERMINATOR”

As “The Great Exterminator” slithered closer, I could now see his cavernous mouth. His teeth: sharper than steak knives. His complexion was the ash gray of death (a few brown spots here and there on his slimy body). His nose was dripping with gelatinous yellow streaked snot. He smelled of raw sewage, rotten fish, and chunks of stale milk, urine, and disinfectant. He emitted such a sickening odor, I was about to faint or vomit, or both. I had to hold my nose. It knew “motion” was only an illusion, so this thing was the slowest moving entity in space. This could be to my advantage.